Robbie Williams plans album of Sinatra-style big band covers: Jesus. Someone's ego is sprialling out of control, I think. What would be less appealing than Robbie Williams proto-bleating over big band music? Hmm... how about Dido singing over the sound of screaming rabbits? (Um, wait; that would make Dido interesting. Scratch that.) Ah, here we go; A.J. of the Backstreet Boys singing cabaret songs!

Okay, I've officially disturbed myself. Must think happy thoughts...

Tim blasts the ballads on the second half of Survivor and I can only shake my head in sorrow. Only playing the first 30 seconds of "Dangerously In Love" means that you never get to hear the soaring, aching chorus, where the emotions overwhelm the girls in a terrifying rush of tears and joy. It's a complete emotional meltdown that mixes elation and pain so thoroughly that the listener isn't sure whether to feel scared by the intensity of love offered or to just bask in its thermonuclear glow. It's absolutely beautiful.

Perhaps I'm getting sentimental, considering that my two-year wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of the summer. Maybe approaching thirty is bending my emotions towards things I would have scorned in my callow youth. Or maybe "Dangerously In Love" really is excellent and I should stop trying to come up with excuses for my admiration.

My newest obssession: Has everyone out there heard of an online comic strip called Sluggy Freelance? Imagine Bloom County filtered through even more sarcasm with a heaping helping of gratuitous violence and multiple concurrent story arcs and you're starting to get the idea. Click here and bask in the cynical hilarity.

Singles to watch: These are my personal picks for hot singles to watch in the top 50 of the Billboard Top 100 singles chart:

12: Superwoman Pt. II - Lil' Mo Featuring Fabolous
37: It's Been Awhile - Staind
41: Fill Me In - Craig David
44: Bootylicious - Destiny's Child

The Backstreet Boys single might do well, but I'm not holding my breath. We'll also see if Jessica Simpson can ride her uncanny resemblance to Britney Spears into the top 10.

Fall honour festival date despite Mark E Smith's broken leg: I just wanted you all to know that I don't remember ever seeing a picture of Mark E Smith before... and now I know why. YIKES. Rock 'n roll is a hard life, kids.

I'm somewhat impressed that he's going to go onstage with a broken leg. I probably wouldn't do it. Or, if I did, I'd whine and moan about it the entire time until the audience bum-rushed the stage and tore my lips off. So, it's a good thing I won't ever face this predicament. I like my lips.

Review Depeche Mode in Quebec City for NME.COM: Are you an amateur writer looking to break into the wild, wacky world of record reviews? Are you going to see the kickoff concert for Depeche Mode's Exciter tour in Quebec City on June 11? Then this might be your big break! (Alternately, it could be another cynical promotional gambit. It's sort of a toss-up.)

Radiohead set for another US chart-topper: After this week, Staind will no longer have the top-selling album in the land. (I can hear the chorus of "Awwwww"s from here.) Most sources point towards Amnesiac holding a slight lead over St. Lunatics' Free City.

(I was going to make some crack about St. Lunatics, seeing as before this morning I'd never heard of them, but I can't be too rough towards a group that has 4 tracks called "Mad Baby Daddy Skit" on their album.)

REVIEW: Music From The Motion Picture: TOMB RAIDER

I actually had no plans to pick up this album. I was in the record store to get my hands on physical copies of Amnesiac (which, by the way, everyone should own, if only for the dirty techno-funk of "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors") and "My Red Hot Car" (Squarepusher in da hizzy!). The cover caught my eye as I walked past the soundtrack section (hmm, I wonder why...) and I thought to myself, "I wonder who's on this besides U2?"

I was, therefore, completely unprepared to find Nine Inch Nails, The Chemical Brothers, Leftfield, Outkast, Missy Elliot, Moby, BT, Fluke, Fatboy Slim, Delerium, and Basement Jaxx listed on the back. Um, wow? To the cash register I went, and boy was it worth the purchase! The phatness abounds, from the sheer insanity of the "Get Ur Freak On" remix (which does away with Missy's limpid rap and slaps on a truly DERANGED performance by Nelly Furtado) and "Speedballin'" (which shows Outkast attempting to merge hip-hop, gospel, and happy hardcore... and succeeding) to a taste of the new Basement Jaxx album ("Where's Your Head At?", a stomper of a tune which is best described as "Same Ol' Show" done as a complete song rather than a demo beat) and the absolutely euphoric "Devil's Nightmare" by Oxide and Neutrino (creepy male choristers + 2-step garage beat = INSTANT CLASSIC).

Even the weak tracks have something going for them. U2's contribution ("Elevation") comes across as empty stadium bombast, yet still will make your toes tap. The NIN track ("Deep") is The Fragile-lite, meaning it's ultimately disposable but contains some nice music at its core. And Fatboy Slim's "Illuminati" is nothing more than Bootsy Collins ranting over the fierce stomper "Michael Jackson" from Better Living Through Chemistry. This annoys me intensely but if he HAD to wholly cannibalize one of his earlier tracks, he picked the right one.

There are 15 tracks in all with nary a skit in sight. That's rare enough these days. If you have any fondness for "electronica" (oh, how I despise that word), do yourself a favor and grab a copy of this.

DAN'S RATING: GRROOVY!

Four GCSEs And A Chip On His Shoulder: DG is a regular contributor to the I Love Music forum with a lot of good stuff to say. He also rocks because he pointed me towards a forum full of gibbering idiots. KittyReaper in particular is fun to mock.

Radio station fined for playing Eminem: Okay, where do I begin with this slice of madness? I don't really have a problem with the FCC coming up with regulations against out-and-out cursing (I mean, it annoys me, particularly when releasing a radio version dilutes the song, as it does with "Oochie Wally", but if you're going to have a regulation standard I think cutting out swear words is reasonable), but now they''re regulating against innuendo? Am I the only one who finds that disturbing?

The "Bootylicious" Gambit: Not only is this a good article highlighting some of the sketchier processes involved in creating radio playlists, but it also has one of the best titles ever. It sounds like an unorthodox chess strategy.

The wonders of technology: I've been informed that Mapquest now contains aerial photos of various locations. Here's a picture of the house I grew up in. Can't you smell that country air? There are two important things you don't really get from this picture; that super-long driveway goes up large hill and this quaint country location is 45 minutes outside of downtown Saint Paul.

Actual music content will follow later today, honest.

Dear God: How appropriate is it that I was listening to "Shameless" by Pet Shop Boys when I stumbled across this charming picture of Lil' Kim? I mean, I thought Christina looked bad, but clearly I wasn't ready for the full barrage of wrongness. (Amusing side note: all of the Moulin Rouge ladies are represented... except Mya. Coincidence?)

Prodigy release remix album: The exciting thing about this is the notion of tracks from their first album remixed in all sorts of fun and entertaining ways. Now, if they announce that the "What Evil Lurks" tracks are on it, as well, I will by psyched.

And now, more me! For those who are curious, I've discovered a pretty good picture of Joei and me at an MSN web community owned by our good friend Michael. Please excuse the boozy smirk; odds are that if Michael and I are in the same room, we're both completely schnookered. (NOTE: If the direct link doesn't work, try clicking on the link to Michael's community and browsing his "Friends and Family" album.)

The Neptunes - 'We want to work with Coldplay': Among others. My reaction: BOOM is the sound of a hot production team's credibility imploding. I mean, who in their right minds would hitch their wagon to Oasis these days?

Check out the wheelz! We FINALLY got the Rav 4 this weekend. Much of the weekend was spent cruising around Boston looking for friends to impress. Alas, many were not home. *sob* I guess we'll just have to show Bullet off at a later time.

I swear this is the last time you will hear me babbling about the new car.

Addendum: I've made my first NYLPM post; a review of Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious". Go check it out, then come back and heckle me.

Behold my mighty pen! It's official: I'm now a part of the New York London Paris Munich team. This means I'll have to, like, actually edit my contributions and try to think of erudite comments. Not too intimidating.

Actually, I think I'll become the "wacky" team member; I'll write disjointed, rambling reviews that make tenuous connections between the single of the week and the splintering of Yugoslavia, all the while peppering my prose with tortured metaphors and making very few cogent comments about the music itself. Oh wait, that's what Pitchfork is for! (Oh, meow. At least I've got the "bitchy journalist" pose down pat.)

In all seriousness, I'm very excited about this. Here's a chance to babble about music on a forum that isn't a vanity project. IT can only make me a better writer. (Or garner email abuse, which wouldn't matter because then at least more people would EMAIL ME. Thanks to those of you who have dropped me a line; I appreciate it.)

NOTE: The Pitchfork slam was for the purposes of a cheap joke and should not be taken as a serious comment. It's all about the love, y'all. And being a back-pedalling wimp.

Tricky - Rare illness almost destroyed my career: Wow. And here I was thinking it was the piles and piles of marijuana he was smoking that made him paranoid and delusional. My bad.

When idols go awry: Oh, Prince, say it ain't so! Damn. (Sorry, darn.)

Blink-182 star in stalker horror: As far as stalker horrors go, this one's pretty tame. I mean, okay; the person has proclaimed undying love for Travis and followed him around for awhile. The main thing this person did was unlock his doors. I mean, I'd be creeped out, too, but I certainly wouldn't arm myself to the teeth and start buying rottweilers based on someone opening my front and back doors. Chances are he forgot to put his alarm on.

Then again, this person is stalking the most alien-looking member of a mediocre band. Perhaps Travis is more self-aware than I thought.

Mariah Carey + Rick James? When Ned first pointed me towards this, I laughed. No, I did more than laugh; I chortled, hooted, guffawed, snorted, snickered, chuckled, howled, and tittered. Once I wiped the tears from my eyes, though, my brain began to percolate. Stray thoughts zipped through my head like, "Rick James is actually a pretty good musician/songwriter. Hmm..." The clincher, though, is seeing that one of the greatest songs EVER is to be ressurrected for the movie. Everyone on the planet owes it to themselves to hear "Candy" by Cameo. I have nothing but respect for anyone who gives proper respect to that song. (Of course, if they screw it up, I will come down hard with machine guns blazing.)

(Oh yeah, I'm back. Hide the sheep.)

Who's your inner rock star? Find out via this test, courtesy of Ally. Mine is Tommy Lee. (Hmm. The depths of my new-job business have caused me to neglect announcing that Ally has started blogging again. Wow, I suck.)

Cradle of Filth to cover goth legends on new album: I discovered Cradle of Filth through the ever-helpful monthly CMJ music sampler. They are truly frightening in a hysterically funny way. Their music is a hilarious mish-mash of every goth cliche you can think of, from the frenetic guitar licks that sound like they were recorded at the bottom of a well to the overbearing drums to the "You can't be serious!" vocal flailings of the lead singer. Despite all of this, some people take them seriously. What a terrifying world we live in.

I'm really looking forward to hearing exactly what they intend to do that Sisters of Mercy song. I may need to put on some Depends before listening to it, but listen I will. TANGENT: Looking for a link for Depends Undergarments led me to this. FEAR.

Ministry release greatest hits album: I will go on the record now and say that I will not take any Ministry "greatest hits" compilation seriously that doesn't contain "Effigy (I'm Not An)", "Revenge", "Cold Life", "Everyday Is Halloween", "The Nature Of Love", "All Day", and "Over The Shoulder". (This isn't even taking into account that the vast majority of their post-A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste.. material is COMPLETE AND UTTER GARBAGE. "NWO" is a screaming pile of overrated poo. If that song hadn't had the Ministry name on it, people never would have paid it any attention.) Big points for including the 1000 Homo DJ's track, which shows exactly how shoddy, disposable, and completely deserving of rejection and ridicule latter-era Ministry really is.

Twitch is still their best album by miles. I wonder when Al will figure this out for himself and stop writing crap.

Love and culture: This past weekend my wife and I, along with another friend (see previous entry), attended the wedding of a good friend from college. Let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to go to a Nigerian engagement ceremony, go. It's fanastic. The bride's family gets to make the groom's family do all sorts of goofy things, including:

- begging to come into the house where the ceremony is;
- begging to come into the room where the ceremony is;
- begging to sit down;
- presenting the bride's family with the WORLD'S LARGEST YAMS;
- making the groom kiss the bride's mother's feet;
- making the groom prove his physical prowess via calesthenics;
- breaking into spontaneous Yoruba songs about the bride and groom;
- etc.

Also, people were wearing the PHATTEST robes/gowns on the planet. Andre of OutKast would break down and cry if he were to walk into a room full of Yoruba in fancy dress because he would no longer be the one everyone thought was so fresh and so clean (clean). More amusement was has by all when the bride's family attempted to palm random women off on the groom to see if he REALLY wanted their daughter, although it was somewhat shocking to see that one of them was MY OWN WIFE. (It was worth it to see the slightly shell-shocked look of terror on her face as they bantered back and forth over her, though. One could almost read the words, "What if they decide I'm good enough for the groom?" spelled out in beads of sweat across her cute little brow. Fortunately (for her), they decided that her exposed legs were disrespectful and sent her away. Tee hee.) Another bonus was that just when my stomach started to rumble and my eyes began to glaze because I couldn't understand a word of what was going on, they brought us heaping plates of Nigerian food. WE GOT TO GRUB DURING THE CEREMONY. This is a tradition that Western civilization needs to adopt post-haste. How much easier would it be to sit through that 3 hour Catholic wedding if the ushers passed out bags of Smartfood and Mountain Dew?

The Western ceremony paled in comparison, although we were complimented on our singing. (THAT was a SNAFU; we sang Neil Diamond's "Marry Me" a capella. Eek. Fortunately, my lovely and talneted wife flipped it on them with some Schubert "Ave Maria" [also a capella, but really purty] and Shania's "From This Moment On" at the reception. Crisis averted!) The one thing that the Western service boasted was the presence of about 700 of the worst-behaved kids on the face of the Earth. I have never seen a situation where spankings needed to be handed out like party favors quite like this one. Kids were running around screaming, crying, knocking over each other and random things, and being all-around terrors DURING THE CEREMONY. How did the parents handle this? "Shh. Shh. Shh, honey. No, I mean it. Shh. Look at the lovely wedding. Shh."

STERILIZATION IS TOO GOOD FOR SOME PEOPLE.

The day was capped off at the reception, which was a joyous celebration of dance and music with more good food and bad kids. A Nigerian band (made up of three singers, bass, guitar-wired-through-some-effect/MIDI synth control-that-made-it-into-a-keyboard, and a drum machine that seemed to be permanently set to "calypso") was playing songs that alternated between Nigerian stand-bys (and no, I don't know the names of any of them) and made-up songs talking about how wonderful the bride and groom were. Every time the couple would take to the dance floor, guests would jump onto the dance floor and throw money at them, almost like a dollar dance that never ended. (Never in my life have I wanted to be Nigerian more than at that moment. Visions of the new stereo I would have purchased after my wedding danced in my head as ones, fives, tens, and twenties littered the dance floor.)

We shared a table with a woman who had a pair of 21-month-old twins who appeared to be in a toddler biathalon competion that, as far as I can tell, consisted of attempting to put my eye out with a pretzel followed by a full-bore sprint around the reception hall. This woman turned out to be a good friend of the bride's sister, so I decided to let her live. (I'm being overly harsh; the kids were really funny. At least, they were funny until they winged me with the pretzel.)

It was a great trip and a great wedding. I wish Abby (aka "Mrs, oh, excuse me, Dr Thang") and Dayo all the best.

Lookin' for a new love: After rolling with a friend from college down to the Philly area and back (actually some random place in New Jersey... Cherry Hill?), I've reconsidered getting a Rav4. I will now not be content with anything less than a black BMW 330ci coupe.

Rolling up 95 doing 95... oh MAN. Don't you love friends who allow you to drive their PHAAAAAAAAT new rides? Especially when they have radar detectors. Mmmmmm-butter.

My only regret is that Joei has to go to grad school, otherwise I'd cheerfully talk her into the pile of debt that vehicle (or one comparable) would entail. Who needs savings when you've got a Beemer? "Sim-simma, who got the keys to mah Bemmah?" I heart that car like a demon. My only consolation is that if someone scratches my Rav4, I'll merely be pissed as opposed to being honor-bound to hunt down and exterminate every existing branch of the offender's family. (Yes, the car is THAT nice.)

On the downside, it costs $20+ to fill the tank. A small sacrifice for such a lovely hunk of pure sex-metal. Note: I recognize that this is a very "Stupid American!" thing to complain about. Please don't deluge me with email telling me I'm whiny.

I wish I was serious about getting a BMW. Financial planning is your friend, but not mine. Boo-hoo.

Back to music: New job has kept me from updating as frquently as I'd like to, partially because I have SO MUCH catching up to do that I'm kind of swamped. Since I'm going to be out of town this weekend, I thought I'd throw a couple of NME links your way:

Hear'Say head back to London's G.A.Y. club night: Someone please tell me what G.A.Y. stands for.

Tabloid Hell: Poor Christina. The ritalin obviously isn't helping.

OutKast team up with Fatboy Slim on new single: Three years ago this would have been fantastic, exciting news for me. Now, I tremble in fear hearing OutKast pummeled into submission by a tired, lowest-common-denominator party beat mixed in with boring, obvious samples. Sigh.

Discuss.

"How big a tip did you leave?" Yesterday, Joei (my wife) got a call from a friend (who shall remain nameless) who had just gone to get her nails done. Apparently, the place she went to also gives massages. Joei was well on the way to developing full-on manicure-envy when said friend mentioned how good her breasts felt.

Joei said, "What?" She was confused by the apparent non-sequitur. However, Friend explained that the masseuse rubbed her breasts as part of the massage and that it felt really good.

Joei responded with, "She did WHAT????" Friend asked why Joei was so shocked. Joei, still somewhat incredulous, asked, "You paid some random woman to rub your breasts?" Friend, now a little unsure of herself, asked if it was unusual to get a breast rub when receiving a massage. Joei collapsed into fits of laughter, particularly when Friend insisted that she got the breast rub because she gave such a good tip. (I believe the exact quote was, "Well Joei, you might get your breasts rubbed too if you left a better tip!")

There was much hilarity over this the entire evening, particularly when we went over to Friend's house for dinner. Friend's husband described the entire situation as "a little gay", leading to the classic question, "Do you think it's gay to have another woman rub your boobs? Well, they feel great so I don't care... but is that kind of gay?"

I couldn't sleep for a while after we got home because I kept bursting into spontaneous laughter.

He's baaa-aack... Watch the return traffic dwindle as I try in vain to catch up at my new job.

So, whazzup y'all? Life has been hectic but sweet for your lucky lucky author, who has had the good fortune of stepping into a professional situation where his expertise actually mattters and the company is THRIVING. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I am the king of kings! To celebrate, I purchased a copy of Lateralus by Tool. (Well, not really; I was gonna buy it anyway, but bear with me.) I've only heard the first three tracks, but my calm reasoned opinion is that this is the BEST FREAKIN' ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must see these guys live...

CONCERT ANNOUNCEMENT:

Sunday 5.20.01

Poem-Cees, Soul Sista, and Fertile Ground
The Black Cat
1831 14th St NW (few blocks south of U St.)

Another reason to love The Onion: I love it when someone taps into the mean, uncharitable things that float through the back of my mind and prints them out for the world, thus allowing to maintain my "really nice guy" facade.

Although, this post (and really 75% of the posts on this website) kind of torpedoes that image, anyway. Damn.

Pet Shop Boys albums to be re-released: I think this would be a good time to start transferring my Pet Shop Boys collection from vinyl to CD. One thing that will bum me out, though, will be if all of the B-sides are included with these albums since I just replaced my copy of Alternative yesterday (when I was mad, hur hur hur). On the other hand, getting various remixes will be cool, and Alternative doesn't cover Bilingual at all. (Many would tell me that's a good thing, but I do like "Se A Vida E" and "Electricity" a lot. Anyone who isn't full of happy love after hearing the Deep Dish remix of "Se A Vida E" is a true grinch.)

The Flaming List: I would be much more impressed by the inclusion of Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" if I was convinced that Wayne recognized that it was a different song from "Killing Me Softly".

Link stolen from Katherine. This is becoming a habit.

josh blog is back! And there was much rejoicing. (Yay.)

Burn, baby, burn: Yesterday's entertainment was provided by someone from the third floor strolling up to our office and notifying us that the BUILDING WAS ON FIRE. One co-worker asked me, "Hmm. The fire alarm hasn't gone off. Does this mean we don't have to go outside?" "Of course not!" I replied as I packed up my stuff and headed for the door.

At this moment, about 500 firemen and 300,000,000,000,000,000 firetrucks (complete with cool extend-o-ladders) materialized around the building. There was mildly bemused confusion as the fire department attempted to escort us out of the building and various co-workers would vanish so that they could quickly pick their noses before leaving the building.

Once we got outside, we discovered two things:

The "fire" was a smouldering garbage can in an office on the second floor.

The fire department told us that the building would not be reopened until the landlord fixed the "numerous fire code violations".

Various co-workers said, "WHAT? I left my keys up there!" I chuckled to myself and went car shopping.

As it turns out, the fire department will allow the building to be open from 9 to 5, so I guess the violations weren't too major. Still, it's amusing to know that I will be FORCED to leave work at 5 up until my last day Friday. I also marvel at how modern society has completely blunted the average American's sense of self-preservation.

Jill Scott hospitalised: As a singer, reading the words "lung infection" terrify me almost as much as reading "head trauma" or "coma". I sincerely hope Ms. Scott gets well soon, as she's one of the classier acts to emerge on the music scene in recent times.

BRUNSWICK BLOWS IT'S HORN! I was all set to make fun of this site for punctuation gaffes before reading the story. Recycled jokes that were stale when Benny Hill used them are piled upon each other in a puerile-yet-amusing mess that's breathtakingly inept and endearing. This gets my full endorsement, folks. Go waste a few brain cells.

Hear'Say star electrocuted on video shoot: From the Merriam-Webster website:

Main Entry: elec·tro·cute
Pronunciation: i-'lek-tr&-"kyüt
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -cut·ed; -cut·ing
Etymology: electr- + -cute (as in execute)
Date: 1889
1 : to execute (a criminal) by electricity
2 : to kill by electric shock
- elec·tro·cu·tion /-"lek-tr&-'kyü-sh&n/ noun

Okay, I'd like to extend a hearty "Thank you" to the person who discovered my site via the phrase "Can I watch defecation?" You have given me a good ten minutes of giggly, giddy entertainment.

Wow, it's the last Monday at my current job. Looking around, I see a lot of junk I need to pick up. (I'm not going to be like a former co-worker who left, among other things, an Apple IIc behind when he moved on to another job.) Tonight my wife and I are going to do some prelimenary car-shopping. Right now, we're trying to decide between a Volkswagen Jetta, a Toyota Rav 4, and a Subaru Forester. If anyone knows of a particular dealership in the Boston area that has good prices or financing, feel free to drop me a line. Also write me if you know of a dirt-cheap 1 or 2 bedroom apartment in Cambridge, Somerville, or Arlington.

It's Time for Nudes And Weather: Norway must be one of the oddest countries on the planet. I mean, for reasons beyond the obvious ones.

No Doubt Nab Prince, Dre: Clearly, this is going to be the No Doubt album to buy. I've never been a huge No Doubt fan, but I'm not hostile towards them either. Adding Prince, Dr. Dre, Dave Stewart, Madness, The Neptunes, and Sly & Robbie to the mix is too intriguing for me to pass up.

As a complete aside, how scary is it that No Doubt have been together as a band for 14 years?

Icy Hot Stuntaz: And people have the nerve to ask me why I hate suburbia. I do kind of wonder whose mother they talked into taking these pictures for them, though. (My money's on Blade, since he's "the leader".)

A new day, a new album: I haven't talked about any of the albums I've listened to recently. I should do something about that.

Janet Jackson - All For You
I've read a lot of negative reviews of this album. People are calling it over-produced, unconvincing, cynical chart fodder. I wonder if these reviewers are listening to the same album that I have. I don't hear clinical pandering in this album. I hear Janet sounding fresher and more self-assured than she has since Rhythm Nation 1814. Her singing is stronger, her grooves are groovier, and the image she's putting forward on this album seem much less forced and tacky than she seemed with janet's pained sexuality. The spectrum of emotion is grand, swinging from the carefree summertime disco vibe of "All For You" and "Come On Get Up" to the cold dismissal of "Son Of A Gun", featuring a mildly deranged Carly Simon. The much-vaunted middle section is dirty, sexual, and absolutely perfect. I think people need to get over the shock of hearing Janet say the word "fuck" and roll themselves up in the aural goodness. This is an album that came from a very secure performer at the top of her game. Stop frontin' like you hate it.

DAN'S RATING: GRREAT!

CFAN Adoption Agency: This is frightening. I really didn't need to know what the love-child between Magneto and one of the Powerpuff Girls would look like. I really have no grounds to make fun, considering that I am the author of X-Men fan-fiction archived on this site (or reachable from it), but even I have my limits.

Link stolen from Kathleen. Again.

Hear the new Depeche Mode album: Those of you who haven't managed to finagle your way into hearing this yet have Dotmusic to thank for this preview. Now you'll get to hear exactly what I was raving about.

Moby writes over 100 new songs for 'Play' follow-up: Who does he think he is, Prince?

Tool Tours With King Crimson: Spin didn't have info on the locations or the dates. GRR.

US 'Popstars' show put on ice: [Insert Dan's dance of glee here.]

More birthday wishes: Two more of my friends are officially a year older. One is college roommate Theo, who may be the most brilliant person I know and actually get along with. He's one of those rare geniuses who isn't certifiably insane. (At least, not in a bad way.) The other is Jeff, a close friend from way back (we're talking 1982-1983 here). Unfortunately, he doesn't have a web page otherwise I'd be linking him, too.

The World of Dancing Cats: I like cats. In fact, I'd go as far as saying a cat would be my preferred pet. I think they're extraordinarily cool animals. On occasion, I've been known to pick up a cat and dance around with it.

It NEVER occurred to me that there would be an entire website dedicated to dancing with cats, complete with a FAQ, a history of cat dancing, an online gallery of cat dancing pictures, information on cat dancing classes, information on pre-dance exercises, cat dancing tips, music for cat dancing, AND special Quicktime movies of cat dancing. Oh, and don't forget the animated GIFs!

If I ever do go into the music business, my first video will feature large amounts of cat dancing. Mark my words.

It's official: On May 14, I begin a new job at Charles River Development as a software developer. It's a great opportunity professionally, but I'm afraid I'm not going to have as much time to do blog updates. We'll see how it goes.

On a music-related note, I've discovered a website chock full of amateur remixes of songs from Nine Inch Nail's The Fragile. Many are quite good. (Interesting bit of trivia: ignorantLOSER is actually a psuedonym for "Incredible Hulk" author Sean McKeever. He's got a good ear for interesting dissonance and mixing disparate elements into a cohesive unit.)

IEEEEEE! I now know far more than I really needed to know about Janet Jackson's nether regions.

The end of an era: By now, I assume that most of the people who frequent this site know about the rat-bastards who have hijacked the freakytrigger.com domain name. It's interesting how underhanded, money-grubbing techniques like this can seem funny when applied to a major cultural phenomenon (see survivor.com, although I do acknowledge that their situation isn't precisely the same) but it isn't until they directly impact you or your friends that the outrage sets in. The buffers built into the human psyche are truly astounding.

Anyway. Tom has put up a temporary portal that links to NYPLM and I Love Music, but it seems that CAOTM has also been laid to rest. I'll miss the old Freaky Trigger, but I can't wait to see what shape its next incarnation will take. In the meantime, marvel at the frightening things people want your children to watch, courtesy of Ned.

A moment of silence, please... Christina Aguilera appears to have completely lost her mind. It's always sad when a pop diva feels neglected, but I shudder to think of the depths of psychosis in which poor Christina must wallow in order for her to be able to look at herself in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look GOOD." I also pity the people in the three seats directly behind her at the 2001 Blockbuster Awards, because you know they saw nothing but blonde frizz all evening.

I love the Internet: Warp Records has made two new Squarepusher mp3s available. The song is called "My Red Hot Car" and is, of course, absolutely brilliant. It starts out innocently enough as sparse, bouncy, 2-step number. It doesn't take long, though, for Squarepusher's weirdness to creep in, and by 1:30 the whole thing is a funky mish-mash of techstep and 2-step. Absolutely unmissable.

DAN'S RATING: GRREAT!!!

The great hygiene product conspiracy: Whew, I feel your pain, my brother. Hands up, everyone who's been there. (Those of you who are there right now are exempt. No, really. I insist.)

Frightening: I've been checking various web searches to see if this site would come up if you put in my name. Apparently, the phrase I should have been using is "tickle feather". Let the flashbacks commence.

Tom's question answered: Why is this Saint Etienne review so annoying? Because there's an inherent fallacy in the first paragraph. The assumption that no one remembers the names of any songs by Black Box is completely WRONG. How could anyone forget "Everybody Everybody", "Strike It Up", "I Don't Know Anybody Else" or "Ride On Time"? From the moment I read that, my teeth began to grit and I wanted to swat the reviewer for making a baseless assumption about me. This isn't even taking into consideration the emminently plausible scenario that most people of a certain age who like St. Etienne would have been listening to Black Box at the height of their popularity.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Kathleen on Geri Halliwell: Much has been said about how Geri is wasting away into nothing these days. I've just watched the video for her remake of "It's Raining Men" and I kind of feel the need to say this: I think she looks athletic, not emaciated. She has a lot of muscle definition, particularly in her abs and arms, and I really don't see her bones sticking out a la Calista Flockheart. It's shocking to see, particularly when remembering the voluptuous Spice Girl Geri, but (and I may get crucified for this) looking different from then doesn't mean she looks bad. In fact, the only thing keeping me from saying that she looks good is her GOD-AWFUL HAIR. Jesus Christ, she looks like a demented Barbie doll with that orange-glowing skin and the neon follicles. It's really unnerving. A darker color (any darker color) would be much more flattering.

I would say something about the picture of her breast-feeding a doll, but I figure that if no one talks about it, it will effectively cease to exist.

Wacko Jacko records with Limp Bizkit and Destiny's Child: Michael Jackson + Limp Bizkit = SCREAMING NIGHTMARE. What the hell is he thinking? Fred Durst is one of the most repellent human beings in entertainment right now. He is a pus-filled blister on American radio. Nothing would please me more if I could be in a position where I could turn on the radio and be guaranteed to never hear his nasal whine screeching about nookie, rolling, or doing things his way. However, given they way American radio works, this particular collaboration is guaranteed to be a single. Not only that, but given the performers involved, it has "crossover designed to be played to death on every single radio station on the dail, including NPR" written all over it. Life is cruel and evil.

How To Win An Argument With a Meat-Eater: I feel that I should warn all vegetarians that resorting to any of these arguments with me when discussing eating meat will cause me to laugh at you. I am a completely unrepentant omnivore and I, personally, do not care one little bit that the fact that I like the taste of burgers may be an unpardonable sin in your universe that is contributing to world hunger and the greenhouse effect. The only arguments for not eating meat that will not make me think you are an inveterate bed-wetter are:

"I don't like the taste of meat." That's fair. Why on Earth would you force yourself to eat something you don't like the taste of? There's no need to be a masochist.

"I find the whole concept of slaughtering animals disgusting." This is also fair. For some reason, the idea of a cow being disembowelled as it hangs from a hook by its back hooves doesn't bother me at all, bu the idea of a veal calf sitting in a small pen surrounded by its own diarrhea makes me gag. Possibly the only way to turn me into a vegetarian would be to convince me that an integral part of raising all edible livestock is forcing it to sit in its own shit. (I say possibly because I could never see myself giving up barbecued pork ribs.)

"I feel healthier when I don't eat meat." Rock on! I'm all for feeling healthy. I'm glad that cutting meat out of your diet works for you. I like it too much to cut it out of mine, although I have decreased the amount of red meat that I eat.

When people start quoting statistics at me about the number of people who could be fed if we didn't eat livestock or how raising livestock is stripping the Earth of its natural resources, they automatically earn points towards the "sanctimonious prat" tag. This happens because everyone who has done this to me has at some point or another baldly stated that the fact that I eat meat makes me a bad person. I have no time for people who think that way.

Link stolen from Tom, who is most certainly not a sanctimonious prat.

For those interested: Here's the poster for the upcoming Concordia Society concert. Clicking on it will bring up more information.

INITIAL IMPRESSIONS: Survivor - Destiny's Child

I haven't listened to the entire album yet, but I have to say that "Nasty Girl" is the HEIGHT of irony. One has to admire the sheer chutzpah involved in condemning someone for dressing like a slut when your group seems to think that fashion ended with the invention of hot pants. Plus, I love the a capella section and the "Tarzan Boy" quote, so it's all good.

Tabloid Hell: This is a regular feature of NME.com, but this week's entry was far too entertaining to let slide without comment. Tattoos in extraordinarily inappropriate places, hypocritical sermonizing, Oasis idiocy, and proof that the craziest people in the world live in the United States. Pure, unadulterated comedy.

CONCERT PROMOTION:

THE CONCORDIA SOCIETY
Daniel Roihl, Music Director

presents:

**************************************
VOX HUMANA:
Choral Music to Evoke the Human Spirit
**************************************

A concert of sacred and secular choral works, featuring:


* Sacred motets by Brahms, Mendelssohn, Stanford, Arvo Part,
Otto Olsson, and Noam Elkies
* Chansons by Debussy, Ravel, and Hindemith
* Italian madrigals by Claudio Monteverdi
* Ballads by Sir Edward Elgar and Normand Lockwood
* A selection of American spirituals

May 11, 2001 - 8:00 P.M.
The Memorial Church, Harvard Yard
Admission $15 (Students/seniors $10)

For tickets & information, please call (617) 625-4398
Or visit our website at www.concordiasociety.org

What is the difference between DC and Philly? This is the question pondered in the latest entry to Intelligent Discourse, the official blog of the Poem-Cees. It's a pretty interesting summary of why the DC hip-hop scene hasn't exploded like those of its East Coast brethren, complete with a manifesto for how DC could put itself on the map.

I've heard many of the artists mentioned and there's absolutely NO REASON why DC doesn't have a national presence. It's like a hidden national treasure. Do yourself a favor and spend a little bit of extra time investigating the DC scene. I'm sure if you write to the Poem-Cees, they'd be more than happy to point you in the right direction (starting with their debut I.O.U. Street, of course).

The Tool wecast: There have been several hits to my site from search engines where people were looking for information about Tool. Here's more info about the new album straight from the band itself. I still haven't heard the new album yet, so no review as of yet. I still expect it to be one of the three Great Albums to be released this year (the other two being Exciter by Depeche Mode and Amnesiac by Radiohead, although I'm not counting out Orbital's The Altogether yet).

The Cure announce festival appearance: Apparently Robert Smith is the love child of the Energizer Bunny and the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. He's been threatening to end the Cure for something on the order of 15 years now, yet they still pop up for one last album or one last festival appearance. I was expecting some announcement like this, but it's still great to hear. Bloodflowers was a far superior album to Wild Mood Swings and I'm hoping that they can continue the upward trend with their next release, whether it's a Cure album or a solo Robert album. (And anyway, if you release a solo album where the auxilliary musicians are all of the guys from your band, is it really a solo album? I think not.)

I guess my dream band will need a new bass player, though. I wonder what Brown Mark is up to...?

Kenny Aronoff! Thanks Ned! More information about the fearsome skin-pounder can be found here. (Beware that opening GIF, though...)

Safety campaigners slam Geri over album cover: And I thought I had no faith in the intelligence level of the average human being. Jeez.

O-Town ask fans to respect their personal space: All together now: "What fans?" Certainly the three prepubescent girls who were halfway interested in them will tune them out after this charming interview, where one member states that he doesn't think that O-Town owes anything to its fanbase (charming!) and another says that, if forced, hw would conceed to having a screaming threesome with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera (lovely!).

Did they have to pick the biggest idiots for this group? Was that a requirement set in stone by the producers of "Making The Band"? I could understand if they were all unbelievable singers, but... no, scratch that. It's UNBELIEVABLE how mediocre they are. I am more and more convinced that there is a record deal out there for me somewhere. I suppose these jerks have one up on me in that they were willing to actually get off of their asses and put themselves out there.

*sigh*

Oh my. I get the sense that God has been logging my dreams and decided this one was a keeper. Probably the only thing that could make me more excited would be to find out that they've recruited Simon Gallup for bass, Alan Wilder for keyboards, Johnny Marr for guitar, and that bald guy who was playing on Smashing Pumpkins' Adore tour for drums. (Feel free to email me with his name if you know it.)

My new emblem: I ducked out of work briefly for a job interview. When I come back, I discovered that Ally had emailed me this. An entire world of philosophy has been unveiled before my wondrous eyes. Please, click and be enlightened.

Speaking of Ally, she's put some new reviews on her site, including Nelly, Crazy Town, Emma Bunton, and Jennifer Lopez. Read and enjoy.

Ricky Martin tipped to play Zorro in West End musical: This doesn't frighten me nearly as much as the idea that Robbie Williams has been approached to write some of the music for it. I mean, just imagine: the evil governer is about to kick his brutal plan into motion when ZORRO! bursts on to the scene and, while singing "Rock DJ", rips off his own skin. Hordes of cannibal models on rollerskates then beat the governer into submission while ZORRO! runs up the side of a building and gets all rumpy-pumpy with a cardboard cutout.

Upon reflection, this could be the greatest musical ever...

Tricky confirms details of new album: Hmm. Collaborations with Alanis Morissette and Red Hot Chili Peppers. A lead single called "Evolution" featuring Ed Kowalczyk, the lead singer of Live. People have already begun calling this new album "_Nearly God_ Part II", which would make me happy.

Times, they are a changin': I told my CEO today that I'm officially looking for another job. I'd been putting it off for about a week, but since my company only has six employees, I didn't feel right keeping this under wraps until I was ready to go. I really don't want to jeopardize the future of the company, but with this few employees and this much work, there kind of isn't any way of getting around it.

So, I'm looking in Boston. I've had one interview and there's another one coming up tomorrow. I also have a slew of calls I need to return. It's funny; the job market is sluggish right now, yet I still have fifteen headhunters and private firms asking me for my resume. Thank God I didn't give up on computer science when I had the chance!

Jay-Z says he is '100 per cent innocent' of gun possession charge: Well, duh. His bodyguard had the gun, not him. I don't even see how there's a case against him.

Jay Kay in nightclub fracas: Fame, fame, fatal fame/It can play hideous tricks on the brain... Some people, it seems, will do anything to extend their fifteen minutes.

"TICKLISH GUYS WANTED!" unmasked: Okay. I understand that I may be both more cynical and savvy as far as Usenet is concerned. However, I thought it was an accepted fact that "Territickle" was a man. In fact, I thought he initially attempted to post his requests for tickle videos as a man and switched pronouns to get more videotapes. *shrug*

Link stolen from Lyssa.

Watch every single Missy Elliott video: Screw the dodgy contest; I'm into NME.com for making a video montage of one of the most visually-innovative artists out there. (I think that you could make the world's greatest video by putting Outkast and Missy together with whomever it was who directed the video for Orbital's "Funny Break".)

ALERT! ALERT! There will be a Poem-Cees gig tonight on MHZ TV! A reliable source (ie, my brother) informs me that FREE tickets are still available by clicking here. Directions to the venue in Fairfax, VA, can be found here. If you are in the DC area, please go. If you know someone in the DC area, encourage them to go. A good time will be had by all attendees. The show starts at 7:00 PM, so don't be a sucka.

"Spy Kids" Still Tops: I think it's safe to say that I'm largely out of touch with modern movie-going America. I thought that "Josie and The Pussycats" was going to kill. In what bizarro universe does "Spy Kids" top the charts for three weeks?

Maybe I'll understand once I have children.

A small addendum to my mini-review of Radiohead's new album: After listening to the tracks several times, I've come to the conclusion that the entire band needs to be lined up and stooge-slapped for messing up "Morning Bell" so profoundly. They tooka an absolutely gorgeous, dreamy song and turned it into an unlistenable mess.

Good thing for them the rest of the album is still fantastic.

Beta Band album details: Yet another date to mark on the calendar. If you're too lazy to do it yourself, you can always check out DJ Martian's frightnengly extensive release calendar. (Now added to the side bar for easy access, hur hur hur.)

Jay-Z arrested on gun charge: Like Jay-Z needed more legal trouble. (Everyone remembers that he's due in court on charges that he stabbed a record executive, right?) If I were him, I might have to lose one of my nicely-polished Gucci shoes in the behind of that bodyguard.

Ian McCulloch solo album to be produced by Ian Broudie: There is a gem of information buried in this story. Echo and the Bunnymen will be releasing an album within a month. Did anyone know that they were still recording as a group?

I need to mix up my sources of information. I feel like the musical world is zipping by me and laughing.

Calm in Cincinnati allows reflection on race relations: My wife's parents live in Cincinnati. We've been understandably concerned by what's been going on there, but it turns out they're okay. What is not okay is for unintelligent morning radio DJs to shoot their mouths off about how unfortunate it is that some types of people (meaning poor black people) can't solve anything without resorting to violence. BULLSHIT. I guess it's convenient to forget about the epidemic of crazed white children who have decided to shoot up their middle-class schools while grandstanding on the radio. Fuckers.

Apologies for cursing, Mom.

Back from the dead: It's alive! It's alive!

I had something blindingly cool to talk about, but the technical difficulties Blogger accidentally foisted upon me has drive the inspiration from my fragile little mind. So, I think I'll just mention that I got the Ravel solo and leave it at that. Yay me! The Concordia Society concert where I'll be singing this (5 second) solo has been confirmed at the Harvard University Memorial Church in Cambridge at... damn. I need to double-check the time, but I think it's at 8:00 PM. Check out the Concordia website for more accurate info (or wait until I update the right-hand sidebar).

Kathleen talks comics: Why is it that some comic book characters have reached cultural icon status (ie, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, the Fantastic Four, the collective X-Men, the collective Avengers) while other, equally important characters languish in practical obscurity (Green Lantern, the Titans, Doctor Strange, Swamp Thing, the New Mutants)? What is it that fires the imagination and casues a character to "catch on"? Does the character have to be modelled on a simple archetype? Instantly recognizeable? Is it a question of longevity? Or is it really, as the cynical part of my brain insists, all down to which ones had television shows?

ALBUM REVIEW: Depeche Mode - Exciter

Short version: BUY THIS ALBUM.

It's been a few years since Depeche Mode has given us a full-length album of new material. I was, um, excited when I heard about Exciter. David Gahan and Martin Gore are two of my pop music heroes, Gore for managing to come up with such great pop tunes time after time and Gahan for having a great voice and (this is key) pretty much the exact same vocal range as me, meaning I can sing along with them without having to drop down an octave or sing in a horribly reedy falsetto. (The exception is "Shake The Disease", where the chorus goes up to something like F# or G and always leaves me pouting in the dust. One day I will sing that full voice. Oh yes, I will...) Because of this, it was going to be very easy for them to please me with this album. What I was not prepared for was to be absolutely, completely blown away.

I will say without hesitation that Exciter is one of the strongest Depeche Mode albums in their discography. Gore has methodically expanded his songwriting style with each album since Violator. This album shows him firing on every creative cylinder. The chord progressions, melodies, harmonies, and arrangements are uniformly stellar. The album swerves smoothly from fuzzbox snarl ("Dead Of Night") to etherial acoustic guitar ("Dream On") to shimmering psychotropic burble-pop ("Comatose") to lyricless dream-dub ("Lovetheme") to dancefloor doom-stomp ("I Feel Loved") without feeling artificial or forced. These songs all have very distinct flavors, yet each one grows out of a mood set by the piece before it. It's very difficult to imagine these songs on any other album or even in any other order.

Gahan and Gore both invest a lot into the album emotionally. Gahan has loosened up quite a bit since the chilly pre-Violator days, displaying disdain, pleading, seduction, loss, and beauty where appropriate. The real revelation, though, is Gore. His singing has always been very pretty, but also very controlled, almost as if he wrote all of his emotion into the melody and was content to rely on the notes to put across his emotion (notable examples being "A Question Of Lust" and "Blue Dress"). On "Goodnight Lovers", the robotic pose is completely thrown away, leaving a vulnerable Martin to bare his soul to an unrequited love. It's a marvelous effect that makes this an outstanding song. (The perfect backing vocals are merely icing.)

Another notable thing is how warm this album sounds. Most of the synth settings used are very rounded, mellowed sounds that lend an inviting, intimate tone to much of the album. This is yet another trend that the group has pursued since Violator, an album which can now be clearly seen as a creative turning point for the band which allowed them to venture out of the "chilly 80's synth-based dance-pop" box. Gone are the one-note melodies and two-steps-above-Casio-preset drum programming that endeared them to a generation of alienated teens. Their latest effort distills the flashes of pure musical brilliance that have popped up throughout their career ("Somebody", "Strangelove", "Waiting For The Night", "Shouldn't Have Done That", "Shake The Disease", "Sacred", "Home", "Higher Love") into something amazing. Songs Of Faith And Devotion and Ultra aspired to this, but had their missteps. This one is perfect. Once May 15 rolls around (May 14 in the UK), I expect to see you all in the stores, cash in one hand and Exciter in the other.

DAN'S RATING: GRREAT!

Eminem sentenced: I'm somewhat torn on this, actually. Whenever I see the words "probation" linked to a famous individual, my first reaction is almost always that the get-out-of-jail-free card that seems to be available only to people of an appropriate fame level (ie, not Shyne) has been used. If you look at the judgement, though, the only thing Eminem was guilty of was carrying a concealed weapon. It is my personal opinion having a concealed weapon shouldn't automatically send you to jail. (Using said weapon, depending upon circumstances, is an entirely different kettle of fish.) One could convincingly argue that he should be fined more than $7500, but that's the only real quibble I have. (For a more learned opinion, ask my brother; he's actually a lawyer.)

On a more positive note: Here's a break from the heaps of musical invective for some moderate chatter about things I actually like:

Radiohead - Amnesiac I've had an opportunity to listen to some of the tracks off of the upcoming Radiohead album. Man. It's good. Like, really good. As in, "Oh my God, I can't believe how good this album is!" You know all of those mildly alarming stories that circulated shorlty after the release of Kid A which basically said, "Don't worry, once we've stopped futzing around we'll release an album of proper Radiohead material?" Forget about them. Yes, the guitars are more present than on many of the Kid A standouts, but you also have to contend with the anti-rhythmic single "Pyramid Song" (if anyone has figure out what meter this song is in, please email me) and the completely bizarre techno-funk of "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors", a song so strange and grand it's causing Tom Ewing to sing praise. This is yet another strong entry from a great band. You never would have been able to convince me that Radiohead would be high on my list of bands I adore when Pablo Honey came out.

DAN'S RATING: GRROOVY!!!

Actor Seagal Reveals Musical Roots: Continuing down the trail of horrifying musical travesties, we stumble across this gem. Steven Seagal's reggae album produced by ex-Fugee-turned-shameless-musical-pimp Wyclef Jean. Feel the heady rush of pure, unadulterated hate course through your veins as you contemplate what that end result will sound like. Tremble with the knowledge that even though you know better than to purchase this evil, evil thing, someone else most certainly will.

See what happens when you let a Republican into the White House? I hope you've all learned something from this.

William Orbit remixes new Limp Bizkit single: This is a sign of the Apocalypse. I now have a reason to potentially purchase a Limp Bizkit release. Normally, I just listen to what I want to listen to and dispense with embarassment, but just the concept of this is making me feel... dirty.

absorb reviews Orbital: Well, here's a surprise; 10 out of 10! Is it April 30 yet? Never fear, I will be posting my thoughts on the album sometime this week.

This link comes to me courtesy of the indefatigable DJ Martian, a fellow traveller on I Love Music who loves Orbital and Tool almost as much as I do. (People who know me are quivering in fear.)

Home of disturbing Robbie Williams videos: Want to see Robbie rip off his flesh and fling it at cannibal supermodels? How about a 3-D cartoon Robbie (yes, yes, obvious jokes noted) shagging several buxom babes in various exotic locations? Then you must visit the Robbie Williams home page. Perhaps you can take or leave the music, but the videos are uniformly stellar. Dig in particular the cel-shade rendering on "Let Love Be Your Energy", a technique that first popped up on the Dreamcast.

Coldplay appear on 'Saturday Night Live': And the nation falls asleep. I mean, while I'll admit that some of their other songs are actually pretty good, "Yellow" is one of the most overrated pieces of tripe ever to hit my eardrums. It's boring and over-earnest. I am embarassed that it seems to be climbing up the charts. (Not nearly embarassed as I am at Olivia's "Bizounce", but still embarassed.)

Dido pens tracks for Britney: Could someone please show me the gateway to the parallel universe where this collaboration has a chance of being successful? Dido writes bland songs that highlight the wispy voice. Britney sings like a whiskey-laden duck-butt. Dido's music tends towards the "restrained" end of the spectrum, while Britney is most successful when she's completely over-the-top. Imagine Britney frog-marching through "Thank You" (the song with seven notes that still manages to be outside of dear Brit's range). If that doesn't send cold chills down your spine, I don't know will.