Update frenzy: I have a new pop star to mock: SHAKIRA. The Columbian songstress is finally achieving crossover success in America by, well, becoming a bigger slapper than Christina Aguilera and singing nonsensical songs. Even after granting special dispensation because English isn't her first language, the lyrics to "Underneath Your Clothes" are, at best, goofy and painful. The schmaltzy Herb Ritts video that accompanies it is merely icing on the cake of badness.

I can't fully hate on Shakira, though; anyone who can sing the lines "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don't confuse them with mountains" and maintain a straight face gets big absurdist points from me.

Brandy marries Robert Smith! Strange but true!

Hervé Villechaize fans, CLICK HERE. If you have no idea who Hervé Villechaize is, bone up on your Fantasy Island trivia, then go to that link. (WARNING: It's a QuickTime movie.)