Silence! The Musical: The blog roars back to life due to a friend thinking that a site featuring MP3s for a musical based on "Silence Of The Lambs" would be right up my alley. So far I've only gotten up to track 2 and I AM BESIDE MYSELF.

I hope these guys make it because Buffalo Bill lies very nicely in my range.

ALBUM REVIEW: Poem-Cees - PARANOIA

I put the headphones on and lean back. Jagged guitar assaults my ears and fear grips me as I hear the harrowing opening litany. THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME.
The beat kicks in. We're in party mode, but things are still unsettled. I can't find the bling, only corrupt cops and incompetent middle management. They tell me I can't see, but I'm trying.

Children playing forms the background for child abuse while the world's most shimmery keyboard patch puts a glossy, confectionery coating on getting to close to the seedy streets. I'm remided of all the things I need to fear again, but I nod my head to the rugged drums and shout along: "WE AIN'T SCARED OF YOU!"

A tender case of commitement jitters turns into all-out mad-dog frothing over blatant infidelities. This in turn takes us to a mythical land where every lady is a little bit mocha, a little bit latte and a whole lot of DAMN! (Of course, we have to look over our shoulders to make sure the female friends can't see us rubber-necking.)

The storm clouds brew again as the POWERS THAT BE breathe down our necks and pull our strings; Joe Theisman to the rescue! At the end all I can say is "blah blah blah"; I'm completely spent.

Hands shaking, I take the headphones off, wipe the sweat from my brow, and press play again. It's just that good.

Don't let this album pass you by; you can't afford not to hear it.

Were Personals: Are you a werewolf or weretiger looking to connect with that special weregiraffe, but unable to connect with lycanthropes in your area? Then this board is for you! (This board is also for you if you like laughing at people.)

The most disgusting story ever: Just read it (and prepare to hurl).

Woman Who Got Leg in Mail Sues for Anguish: Apparently she thought it was a Lobstergram. This is terrible; I'm going to have to cancel all of my plans for the evening because I'm going to be too busy laughing until my lungs shoot out of my nose.

Genesis re-evaluated: I posted the following to the I Love Music board on ILXOR.com yesterday and was told that I managed to make someone interested in a Phil Collins song. Yay for me! The track in question is on the criminally-underrated Invisible Touch album and really should be heard by everyone, if only to show that AOR doesn't have to be boring and formulaic.

Okay, I just downloaded "Domino" and the opening is just as fantastic as I remembered it to be. Pulsating guitar/synth lines with wispy goth drums suddenly burst into a micro-fit of AOR bombast minus bass line and power chords. All the while, the guitar is just lurking in the background, playing the same undulating hypnotizing line. Phil sings about a broken relationship, jonesing for luvin' and a thunderstorm without rhyming until the chorus. The chorus itself contains one of those AWESOME descending progressions that just make you want to sway. The whole thing builds in 80s cliche after 80s cliche (Drumpad abuse? Check. Cathedral keyboards? Check.) all throughout the first half.

Then, everything drops out except for the synths. Phil sings a line about wishing things would last forever, then BAM we've got The Genesis interpretation of Nitzer Ebb's "Lightning Man". Phil starts singing REALLY LOONEY lyrics about a river of blood that overflows its banks and melts children. There's a reverb/echo break for the guitar at this point, sounding sort of like Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell" rescored for solo guitar, then they burst into the TRIUMPHANT SOUNDTRACK FINALE where Phil talks about awful things on TV and quotes Anthrax (!!) interspersed with triumphant (and nonsensical) exhortations that "you gotta go domino!" The song's final breakdown occurs, where Phil repeats the "nothing lasts forever" line at the faster tempo then wanks all over his drumpads, and then they play us out by having Tony hit every preset on his keyboard in succession while Mike continues to show that while Genesis may have guitar, it's all rhythm guitar. Tony, Phil and Mike tastefully jam their way to the fade-out and you immediately push play again because the whole thing is SO AWESOME.

Bored? Try this exciting Shockwave game where you race sushi. (It's not as odd as it sounds... well, okay, it is, but it's worth playing for the sequence where your sushi car runs out of steam.)

TUBCAT!

Reason #120493948852 why the World Wide Web is the greatest invention ever.

Disturbing site of the day: On the eve of my thirtieth birthday, I present the most disturbing thing I've seen on the 'Net today; a site that sells plastic baby parts for doctor to practice their surgical techniques on. It looks like something from a torture dungeon, eek.

I AM STILL ALIVE. I've been going through a minor writing crisis lately. All of my energies have been focused on being the resident smart-ass on ILXOR (MOM AND DAD DO NOT CLICK) and have been finding it difficult to muster either time or energy for the blog. Bad Dan, I know. Now the budding readership I was slowly accumulating has drifted away and I'm back to amusing myself. WHICH IS FINE. The fewer people who read my stream-of-consciousness ramblings dressed up as a burnt-orange vanity project, the more likely I am to start writing again. Besides, I need to regain my discipline. I've turned myself into the type of person who dashes off three lines in response to a question (two of which are there solely to support a bad joke) and hits "Submit". I've lost the ability to sit down and write a piece of length or depth.

I intend to change that.

Now that I have broadband at home, I should be able to update at home. I need to force myself to get my thoughts down, especially on music. The three people who stumble across this site during the week don't know that I went through a period of rediscovery with The Monkees earlier this month, cementing them as one of the best bands from the 60s in my mind. (Not many bands had songs as brilliant as "Pleasant Valley Sunday", "Star Collector", "A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You", "The Girl I Knew Somewhere", "The Porpoise Song", "Stepping Stone", "She", "Words", and "Valleri". And those aren't even all of their brilliant songs!) You also don't know that I've been listening to the new Poem-Cees CD _Paranoia_ non-stop since Christmas Eve and finding it brilliant. (Hip-hop needs more songs about child molestation and vigilante drug-dealer executioners.) I've been diving through Neverwinter Nights and enjoying playing a role-playing game as a character that isn't a fighter or mage. (My character's a female ranger. Female because I was bored, a ranger because I wanted the animal companion.) You don't know that one of my best friends in the entire world has started a blog that has some wildly funny links on it so far. You don't know that I've become OBSESSED with b3ta and its attendant family of deranged websites.

You also don't know about my singing. You don't know that my wife and I joined a professional church choir in Boston. You don't know that I've gotten more solos with our chamber group than I've ever had in my life. (YAY TO MY VOCAL EGO!) You don't know that I had to give up the opportunity to sing a world premier in Carnegie Hall with the BSO to pay my wife's grad school bills. You don't know that my wife is looking at starting off grad school with a 4.0 (not official yet, but all signs point towards it) or that she's going to play Belinda in a production of "Dido and Anaes" over Memorial Day weekend. THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

So I guess I'd better start talking, huh?

I am breaking radio silence to alert the world to what might be one of the greatest bootlegs ever. ALL HAIL LANCE LOCKARM! This should be considered a virtual birthday present to my dear brother Darrell.

HA! Someone brought this link into play in a discussion about Missy's slammin' new jam on ILXOR today. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Surely this will get my brother to forgive me...)

MISSY ELLIOTT - "Work It"

This is the point where my brother disowns me, I think. This is one of the greatest tracks ever recorded. I didn't think she could top the madness of "Get Ur Freak On"; shows how little I know. A sample kicks things off imploring the DJ to pick up the phone and take a request, and BOY DOES HE EVER. Simultaneously sexy and threatening, the kickdrum slinks all around the offbeats while a buzzing synth line floats over some wood blocks. Missy spits some of the most ridiculous lines of her career; yes, I do think that "Call before you come so I can shave my cho-cha" beats out "Beep beep/Who got the keys to my jeep?/VROOOOOOOOOOM!" The whole thing is geared towards the party and the dance floor, so much so that I defy ANYONE to listen to it and not nod your head or bounce your shoulders. LONDON CRU: If you are still doing karaoke nights, this must be added to the repertoire (Emma and Sarah could KILL the place with this song!).

Link love: How quickly we fall out of old habits. Now that ILXOR has begun to eat up all of my online time, I've neglected my referrals until now, which means I just discovered some folks who have linked me. So, big ups to a joshua tree in every pot..., The Rub, qwertyuiop, and Radio Free Narnia. Since it still seems that people are coming here and reading things, I will try to do a better job of writing stuff for this site.

FINALLY! I've done some much-needed maintainence on my blog template. All of the links should work and my singing schedule as I know it should be up to date.

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I've been too wrapped up in work and ILX (which is moving, by the way) to keep up with the old blog. I'll just say that b3ta is now one of my favorite sites on the Internet and I can't seem to stop playing "Tower Of Strength" by The Mission UK.

The oddest thing on the Internet: Send Sylvester Stallone's mother $100 and a photocopy of your butt and she'll tell you your future. Part of the reading must include, "You are a gullible sap who sends creepy con artists pictures of your butt." (Link taken from b3ta, home of many odd things on Internet.)

CORRECTION: DJ Martian told me about The Rapture. Tim's actual quote was "The Cure fronted by Ian McCulloch" and was describing Interpol, another band I am investigating.

I'm currently listening to some moody down-tempo project by Paul Oakenfold that's essentially soundtrack music. Taken on that level, it's actually pretty cool, but I don't see myself pulling this one out for a listen very often.

The Rapture: I'd heard a limited amount of the buzz surrounding these guys in the UK, but hadn't really paid attention to them until Sir Tim Finney described them as "Echo and the Bunnymen fronted by Robert Smith". This is such a dead-on description of their breakthrough single "House Of Jealous Lovers" that I'm kicking myself repeatedly for not finding out more about them earlier. Even better, though, is the fact that their follow-up single "Olio" sounds like F.U.S.E fronted by Robert Smith. I AM DEEPLY OBSESSED WITH THIS BAND NOW.

You can judge for yourself by listening to the Real Audio clips here. The singer really does sound like a younger version of Robert Smith, though, so if you hate his vocals you might want to take a few minutes to prepare yourself before diving into the aural wonderfulness.

Ali and His Gang vs. Mr. Tooth Decay: I have discovered the best MP3s on the Internet, better even than that site about the Bugaloos that I found last week that I forgot to blog about. Who knew that Ali the Champ was responsible for cracking the Liberty Bell? Who knew that Frank Sinatra wanted kids to lose their teeth by eating ice cream? As an added bonus, there's a fight between Muhammed Ali and Mr. Tooth Decay narrated by HOWARD COSELL. I mean, look at this thing (click for larger picture):

BEST ALBUM EVER!!!