Oh my! These are laugh-out-loud funny ideas for fake children's books. Don't look at these at work unless you know you won't get into trouble; I almost hurt myself attempting to stifle raucous laughter.

Get the balance right: Just to be fair, here's an awful picture of a tennis player I like:

For your enjoyment: I present a wildly-unflattering picture of Martina Hingis!

MinorDomesticAccidents.com is one of the funniest sites I've ever been directed towards. The video section is RIDICULOUS.

"I'll f*** you 'til you love me, b****! By now, the news about the Tyson/Lewis brawl is fairly old-hat. However, I wonder if everyone had heard the tirade Tyson launched into after Lewis left the stage. It's truly staggering; you have to wonder why Tyson's managers are allowing him to skip his meds.

Hello Kitty Psyche Test: (Flash site) According to this test, I'm an evil bastard who doesn't care about other people. It told me this largely because I prefer curry to soup. Draw your own conclusions.

How well do you know me? Do you know my ins and outs? My ups and downs? My backs and forths? Well, now's the time to PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS and take this test. I will be severly disappointed in any immediate family member who scores less than 80.

Wow. The Onion has run some rough articles before, but this one is staggering. I don't know if I should laugh or run screaming from the room. (I'm thinking I should probably laugh.)

Anabukin-chan! "Hai!" I came across this link via the always-excellent True Meaning Of Life site. I didn't know who Anabukin-chan was or why she was one of their gurus, but this page should explain everything. (NOTE: When I say, "explain everything", I actually mean "cause incredulous stares followed by uncontrollable fits of laughter". It's better if I don't explain further.)

My favorite pictures of today: By now I'm sure that the news that a heroic you soul hit Fred Durst in the back of the head with a pie. Thanks to wonderful email friends, I've got a link to pictures. YAY!

SNAZZY!

Abject stupidity: I had a rough beginning today; my parents called me at 6:45 AM to inform me tha my grandfather had passed away. I'd like to thank the citizens of Lauderhill, Florida, for helping me smile today.

Good God: ICP ain't got NOTHIN' on these guys. Click and prepare to bust a gut.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Thankfully, I didn't list "updating my blog" as a resolution, otherwise I'd be in pathetic shape already. Still, I know that people stumble across this site from time to time, so in the interest of giving people something to read, I present this link. A sampling:

(7) Garrett Datz says he was at a wedding where they wanted to release live butterflies instead of having the guests throw rice. The idea was to release them from the top of the tent the wedding was held under. Unfortunately, they had the butterflies in boxes for hours and then in release cages for another few hours. By the time the critters were let go, they had all died and plopped onto the assembled party, which to me sounds like something out of Carrie.

There's even funnier on this page, trust me.

2002 - A New Hope: The year in review...

- Joei went through a disheartening round of grad school auditions and came out the other side more determined than ever to do what she needed to do in order to achieve her goals.
- My paternal grandmother passed away on my father's birthday.
- I took a high-paying job with a fairly draconian company in order to finance my wife's departure from the work force, only to be laid off in the aftermath of September 11.
- I got back in touch with a couple of close friends from high school.
- A good friend lost her husband to the worst terrorist attack in US history.
- I discovered that you can survive with little change in lifestyle for about 10 weeks on unemployment.
- I went on a n all-expenses paid trip to Europe with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Not too shabby, eh?
- I celebrated my second wedding anniversary.
- I cried for the first time in two years.
- Joei and I boought a condo and hosted Thanksgiving in it.
- One chamber group (Concordia Society) ceased its existence, but another (Seraphim Singers) rose to take its place.
- I got a new job with a fantastic company that seems to distill all of the best aspects of the previous three companies I've worked for.
- Joei was cast as a lead in a production of "Carmen".
- My brother decided to motivate and try to put together recording sessions for the second Poem-Cees release.
- Joei and I bought a Rav 4 and drove it to Ontario and Ohio.
- I was stabbed in the back in a professional situation for the first time.
- I discovered that happiness is much more important thatn making a huge amount of money.
- Judge Judy became my show of choice.
- I met some people I'd known online since 1996 for the first time face-to-face, and really liked all of them.
- My grandfather had an unsuccessful kidney transplant and is on dialysis, yet is still doing remarkably well.
- I tried to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. I got down 3,000 words before running out of steam.
- I discovered Unwound.
- New albums were released by The Cure, Tool, Depeche Mode, Radiohead, Bjork, Orbital, New Order, My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, Insane Clown Posse, Busta Rhymes, and Missy Elliot.
- I started this blog.

There are things I'm leaving out, but these are the things that leap to mind. All in all, I have to say it was a good year.

Teaser: Tomorrow I may have some excellent news to impart to the brave Googlers who stumble across my site. Until then, feast your eyes on Ally's Halloween pictures. So far, my favorite is the Bauhaus picture.

Gratuitous Geri Halliwell bashing: Click here to join in on the fun. I just spent several minutes shrieking with laughter at some of the things written here. My fave so far:

Geri was on this kids radio show for Radio 4 and she saying to the child interviews "what do you think of me? am I famous enough for you?" To which one of the interviewers, a plucky eight year old boy, replied "Well you're a bit scruffy, I thought you would be wearing posh closhes"

Everett True should get this kid for his new magazine.

Watch me on TV! It's that time of year again; time for SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION! Many readers know that my lovely wife and Ig with Tanglewood Festival Chorus, the offical chorus of the Boston Symphony and Boston Pops. Every year, A & E broadcasts a Holiday Pops performance taped from the previous year's concert series. This year, the special guests are Shawn Colvin and The Chieftans. There's also a fantastic arrangement of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" which is light-years better than anything involving Jim Carrey. The dates of broadcast are Saturday, December 15th at 9pm and Friday, December 21st at 9pm. Tune in and look for the attractive, short black guy with the goatee (that's me) and the stunning, voluptuous black woman with the impeccable hair (that's Joei).

The mind boggles: A streamable collaboration between D12 and Gorillaz about the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon? I'm not sure my fragile little mind can comprehend this. Still, I was intrigued enough to attempt to try to play it. After downloading Shockwave, my browser was shut down and I was kicked off the Internet. When I logged back on, the site loaded for four minutes, then threw a series of script errors at me. I don't mind being appalled at songs, but having to work to get to the appalled stage really pisses me off. I cordially invite the person who coded the Gorillaz site to eat my testicles.

ALBUM REVIEW: THE CURE - Greatest Hits

So, this came out yesterday and of course I bought it. Let me get the baseless gushing out of the way; I LOVE THIS ALBUM. I mean, yeah I own everything on here except for the two new songs, but they included a bonus disc with acoustic versions of all the songs for the sad hyper-fans! WOO-HOO!

Since it's pretty much a forgone conclusion how I feel about the old songs (ie, universally brilliant with the exception of the musical canker sore that is "Mint Car"), here are my initial thoughts on the new songs:

"Cut Here" - It's nice to hear this without the weird flangy distortion effect on top of all of the MP3s I've been able to find. What a classy little pop song. It bounces, it's fun, it isn't sappy, the music is key, and it isn't too long. Choice! The acoustic version is also butter, plus the Missing remix on the single is PHENOMENAL.

"Just Say Yes" - Ahem. The music itself is fine, but Robert should never again smoke whatever weed he had when he decided that doing a duet with SAFFRON would be a good idea. Their voices are just dissonant enough to make my teeth grind in the worst way. The acoustic version, which is Saffron-free, is INFINTELY BETTER; if this becomes a single, they should use that version. It's really a shame, because the music is really neat.

"Signal To Noise" - B-side to "Cut Here". Very nice song. The group as a whole seems to have found a groove for upbeat, catchy-sounding songs. This is the first time in the groups career that you can honestly say that their focus is on being a pop band. Even their B-sides are gleaming jewels.

I'm very very happy with this purchase, so happy that I can't write a coherent criticism of it. Everyone is required to hear the acoustic disc at least once.

DAN'S RATING: GRREATER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE!